Republican lawmakers spent the week reeling from one catastrophe after another. A Presidential inauguration speech that called for using our collective power to solve problems, women on the front lines collecting full combat pay and full and comprehensive background checks for gun buyers as the least-worst alternative. What’s a staunch Republican to do?
Not to mention a plethora of other giant initiatives that are waiting in the wings, like immigration reform, that will soon demand attention. It always rains before it pours, but this onslaught of things that demand “doing” is very stressful after a four year vacation. What happened to the good old days of just say no?
One bullet was dodged by delaying the debt limit contest until May, but that may have opened up a brand new can of controversy. Should the Senate actually present a budget to the house, it means actual voting. Names will be taken and those votes will be counted, gasp. What if those cowards in the Senate do something like make a motion to increase infrastructure spending or save Medicare? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to threaten their pay?
Meanwhile, ominous party rumblings of becoming a kinder, gentler “loyal opposition” instead of the “absolutists from hell” are starting to be heard. We’ve established a clear goal of winning the White House and the Senate in 2016. We’ll do it by improving our “ground game” and learning from those “tricksy” democraps all about computers, databases and population modeling. We can leave the actual having a viable candidate and a plan for the country for later. The important thing is to win! Our secret weapon will be to open the doors of the party’s sacred house to “minorities”. Since we cant seem to stop women, hispanics and blacks from voting we will embrace them in our sacred halls. Although not the living room, we just had the furniture re-covered.
Even Newt Gingrich, the noble architect of the walls down the aisles of the House and Senate, has labeled the Grand Old Party “outmaneuvered” in the Presidential election. Bobby Jindal has called for a “re-calibration of the conservative compass” and Sally Bradshaw, republican strategist, has predicted “ a renewed, aggressive effort to put on a different face.” That’s good news for Newt, he’s hoping to look a lot younger for his next wife.
The ground game is on for the party, Reince Priebus is taking it to all 50 states. After almost 10 full minutes of soul searching, although minimal actual soul finding, the party’s delegates from the national committee have pledged to search out new, “more diverse” candidates. “Effectively, we need angry old white men in yuppity metrosexual bodies.” Wow, who doesn’t?
Of course “core principals” are not in danger here. American business and values are paramount, “An honest dollar for an honest week’s work,” is our mission statement. Each and every American, judged by his wealth and proximity to important decision makers, deserves the same breaks our forefathers had. Simple dirt floors to build character, the sweat of our brows for truth and a chicken stuffed with pot, or something like that.
Although the talk of accepting “minorities” and softening our message is bound to anger some of our farther-right supporters, tea party members and the anti-globalization fringe. For them, the party has comforting advice. “Go to your bunkers, lock the hatches and pray. Hunker down and avoid sex. Wait for the apocalypse, all will be well. Don’t forget to vote.”