Weeds and Deer

In the almost 30 years I’ve lived on my little hill in the township, very few days have gone by without seeing 4 or 5 deer either lounging in the woods or happily munching our plants. There’s really nothing to do about them, they’re a fact of life in Morris county. It’s the same with weeds, you can spray them, burn them, rip them out by the roots, but they will be back fresh as a daisy in just a week or two.  Of course, next spring they will be back in force.

We have tried all the sprays and deterrents for deer that have ever been sold, recommended or even theorized. I think most of them make the plants taste better, or at least different.  Apparently, deer like variety.

For a while, my wife used to make me and my sons pee on the plants in the front yard to keep the deer away. I found it very difficult to pee in my own front yard, the boys loved it. One of them even had to be restrained from doing another regular bodily function. For myself, it had to be night, way late at night, and there needed to be some drinking involved. Otherwise no way was I going out there.  People get arrested for that sort of thing.  I’d rather be accused of bank robbery than “serial public urination.”

It didn’t help anyway, as far as I could tell.  Keeping the dogs out front seemed to work, until they got all friendly with the deer, and then as they got older just slept through their visits. I finally ended up in court on a barking dog complaint after we got a more frisky young pup who showed some promise in deer deterrence.  I just can’t afford to keep the deer away that way, or the problems with my neighbors.

 The weeds have worn me down as well, even with 5 of us ripping them out we can barely keep up.  I could never get a decent lawn to grow, even after 7 sessions of roto-tilling, fertilizing, reseeding and constant watering. I finally went to the nuclear option and used weapons-grade ground cloth covered by 5 inches of pine mulch.  The weeds love it, no competition, and the nice red-brown color shows off their pretty green so well. Florally beaten, that’s me.

I don’t know what to do about the fauna either. I really don’t want hunters shooting up the place, besides I believe it’s illegal to shoot within 400 yards of a residence.  That leaves my little hill out, most residences here only have 4 or five yards between them.  I’ve heard plans for deer sterilization campaigns, but does that mean the deer will get the  government-funded medicare plan and all I’ll get is a coupon? Besides, sterilization sounds like a elective procedure to me, so I hope they remember to call for pre-approval.

I used to think deer were beautiful, then they ate my blueberry bushes and just about everything else we planted, while carefully avoiding the weeds. What's up with that?  Maybe I’ve been peeing on the wrong plants.  Perhaps, utilizing strategic urination, I could fool them into thinking the weeds were actually the valuable plants?

Some people have gone the barrier route, protecting their plants with anti-deer netting. Ever seen the havoc caused by a full grown deer tangled up in netting?  Ever tried to get a wild, hungry, confused and frightened deer out of netting?  They can stick a hoof right through you and happily come back the next day to eat the rest of your plants. Of course you can surround your property with 6 foot deer fence, it has to be at least 6 feet or the deer will just think of it as a “special gourmet area.”  I have a friend who did that, but forgot to close off the driveway.  The herd lives at his house permanently now, can’t seem to find their way out.  I myself am saving for a clear plastic bubble to cover the entire property so I can look out at the deer and weeds, making faces. Nyah, nyah.

Could we develop a spray that deer really like, and spray that on the weeds?  From my experience, we might have that already. Perhaps, we need to use some of our genetic legerdemain to breed deer who just really like weeds. I’d be thrilled to buy the whole heard flea collars and antler cozys if they would spend some time chomping my weeds. Maybe I’m just trying to get two wrongs to make a right here, but do you have a better idea?